Running Stitch

Tomorrow, I plan to be a nervous wreck, all day. In the morning I will try to hold it together while I finish up my to do list. Then I will pack the boys in the car and drive out to HorseMama’s house so the boys can ride. But mostly I will be packing my day full of not focusing too much.

Tomorrow, Madquilter Mel will be induced. She is at 37 weeks and is being induced early because of some serious risk factors. It was a decision not entirely in her hands and one she struggled with over the last few weeks. She is learning very early in her Mamahood how we struggle with decisions, how we search desperately for the right answer, only to second guess it later, and then are left to wonder…

And she has known for several months that overwhelming feeling of sheer terror at the thought of something happening to her unborn daughter. Before I became a Mama, I shrugged at miscarriages, ‘what was the big deal?” It’s not like you lost a baby!

After two pregnancies I can tell you that the second you hear that heartbeat or see that pink line, is the second the fear starts. (please note; this post is not judging your or me or your cousin bette, it is just a reflection of my experience) In those first minutes of pregnancy you make a million promises to your unborn that you are never going to be able to keep…”no one will every hurt you, everything will be fine, I’m never going to ground you ….no matter what”.

In those first months of pregnancy, you are going to be the best pregnant woman ever, you are not going to be slowed down by swollen ankles, (A MYTH!) or morning sickness (FOR THE WEAK!). You will have more energy than you did at sixteen and you will harness it by making the crib yourself from wood you found in your backyard.

And then six months later you wake up from your nausea coma on the floor of the bathroom and you realize you only have six weeks till this baby arrives and since you hear they come naked you better get it a onesie or something. Or maybe that was just me.

I was blessed with two very healthy babies. Other than my morning sickness that went on and on and on and was never, ever, limited to the morning, my pregnancies were uncomplicated. Mel has not been so lucky, and has had to make hard decisions, some of which I know she feels were made for her.

She told me she doesn’t feel ready, like it’s not time, and I may have laughed at her..”you just started feeling like that?” I asked. I can remember the first time I thought about my baby swimming around inside of me all protected form Germs! Diseases! and Politics! And my next thought was, ehh, I think I’ll keep this one inside of me till they are ready for college. He’s safe there no reason for entering this world where he may be out of my sight where I can’t protect him! Just keep him right here, swimming away, eating through a tube in his belly. And once I thought about how they were actually going to join us in this world? I was even more behind that plan.

Mel is poised on the cusp of a new life. It is a scary place, especially when you know there are risk factors.

And there are no guarantees. And I think that is one of the first lessons we learn as parents. So matter how fit, beautiful, smart, young/old, prepared, educated we are, no matter what our wiifit age is, life is still a pretty big game of luck. And frankly that is really scary.

But I’ll take it. As is. Because who knew I could love two people so much?